Matt Webb Mitovich
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HOST ROY WOOD JR.
Taking his turn at the podium right after Biden, Wood Jr. grabbed some papers and informed POTUS that he had left behind some “classified documents.”
Regarding Fox News’ $787 lawsuit settlement, Wood Jr, said there are three people you never want to face in court: “Dominion, Cardi B., or Gwyneth Paltrow. You’re gonna lose!”
“Half this room thinks I’m Kenan Thompson, the other half thinks I’m Louis Armstrong. President Biden thinks I’m the dad on Family Matters.”
Wood Jr. announced that the WHCA’s top scholarship winner this year was in fact “Arizona State senior George Santos,” but he couldn’t attend because he was “auditioning for RuPaul’s Drag Race.”
Talking about how Byron Allen and Tyler Perry are battling to snatch up the home to Sistas & Co., Wood Jr. remarked, “That’s how bad it is out there. These companies are so broke they’re giving BET back to Black people!”
To the producers and staff of Tucker Carlson Tonight, the Daily Show correspondent empathized, “I, too, know whats it’s like to be blindsided by the departure of the host of a fake news program.”
Regarding cable news’ other recent ouster, “Yes, Don Lemon was a diva and he said a couple of women are ragged in the face — but that’s a promotion at Fox News.”
Likening Trump’s dissatisfying indictment to a pot brownie that doesn’t seem to kick in: “Do I feel justice…? This don’t feel like justice.”
Amid a riff on Ron DeSantis, “Ask any Republican to explain CRT. They sound like a Democrat trying to explain the charges against Trump.”
Regarding the Justice Clarence Thomas/billionaire Harlan Crow luxury gifts scandal, “Do you understand how rich you have to be to buy a Supreme Court Justice? A Black one on top of that? There’s only two in stock!”
Talking about how French people recently rioted over a plan to raise the retirement age two years to 64, “Meanwhile in America, we have an 80-year-old man begging us for four more years of work! Begging.”
Again regarding Biden’s age, “There’s been no scandal more damaging than the scandal of, ‘Is Joe Biden awake?’ Say what you want about our president, when he wakes up from that nap, work gets done. He might doze off but then it’s, ‘Zzzzz, infrastructure bill!’ ‘Zzzzz, student loan forgiveness!’”
Turning his attention to Kamala Harris, Wood Jr. said that people never asked what a VP did or didn’t do until the first woman one came along. For example, “The only thing I know about Mike Pence is that he’s really good at playing hide-and-seek at the Capitol.”
Then, after saying that Dick Cheney is the (very low) bar for VPs to clear, Wood Jr. noted how Cheney was so bad there’s a documentary about his time in office: “If they can make a documentary about your time as vice president, you vice president’d incorrectly.”